Network of Raccoon Bathhouses Draws Suspicion and Jealousy

Raccoon takes a long drag on their cigarette in front of a “No Cats Allowed” sign.

While pursuing information regarding an uptick in raccoon activity, our skilled journalists uncovered a secret network of raccoon bathhouses in Buckman and Sunnyside neighborhoods. “I knew they were up to something, and bathhouses are definitely something. They’re strange. Or European,” says Anarchy, a longtime raccoon critic. Here are the facts as we know them:

• The bathhouses are both below ground and within tree canopies.

• If you see a raccoon at a crossroads, you know you’ve found an entrance. They’re the bouncers. Cats should not approach.

• Raccoons think that cats are pretentious and have designated their venues as non-cat.

• Raccoons have ten fingers and can legally smoke cigarettes.

Marionberry, a practiced raccoon observer, insists that you can tell who has visited these bathhouses by their stench. If they smell like wet trash and chain-smoking , “you know they’ve been partying with the raccoons.”